Reflections
by Hakajin
Summary: I always believed there were two kinds of people in the world: those who shine with a light of their own, and those who can only reflect the light of others." Misty reflects on her journeys with Ash and her feelings about him... and herself. One-shot


**Reflections**

"_...'Cause you're the light that makes me shine,_

_you're the hero in my eyes, win or lose, do or die..."_

-Laura Pausini

"The Extra Mile"

I always believed that there were two kinds of people in the world: those who shine with a light of their own, and those who can only reflect the light of others. And all my life, I wanted to be in the first group. Of course I did. No one wants to live in someone else's shadow. But that's what I did, for a long time. My three older sisters seemed so much prettier and more talented than me, and they got all the attention. And they were always reminding me of it. They were the beautiful "Waterflowers of Cerulean City," and I was the runt. Looking back on it, I guess I had a little of an inferiority complex, though I didn't realize it at the time. At the time, I just told myself that it wasn't important to be pretty or popular. My sisters were shallow, why should I be jealous of them? I had my own light, something I could beat them at. Something more important than silky hair and a curvy figure. And that was Pokemon. Water Pokemon. No matter how beautiful my sisters were, they were absolutely hopeless as trainers. How they qualified as gym leaders I'll never know. They literally _gave away _our badges.

I, on the other hand... well, ok, so it's not like I was the best trainer in the world, but I _was_ pretty good. And I was gonna make sure my sisters knew it. I was sick of them treating me like a kid, like I couldn't compare to them. So I trained hard and developed my talent. I was sure my sisters would be at least a _little_ jealous. But I guess I was hoping for too much, because they were completely indifferent. It was like training didn't matter at all to them. I mean, I knew my sisters _loved_ their Pokemon, but they preferred using them in their silly water ballets. Battling was much too rough and unladylike. So instead of proving myself to my sisters, I had just given them one more thing to tease me about. Now I was a tomboy as well as a runt. I probably don't have to tell you I was furious. It was like nothing I did mattered, and I was sick of them looking down on me. To sum it up, I had had enough.

So I did what any normal ten year old girl would have done- I ran away from home. Sorta. It wasn't like my sisters didn't know I was leaving. They were perfectly fine with it (which bugged me even more). But if I was gonna prove myself to them, I had to become the best water Pokemon trainer I could possibly be, and that meant I needed experience outside the gym. I left in a huff, telling my sisters that I wasn't coming back until I was a water Pokemon master. I'd become famous, and then they'd _have_ to acknowledge me.

At least, that was the plan. But by afternoon of my first day on my own, I was hungry, tired, and starting to wonder if maybe leaving home wasn't such a good idea after all. It was too late to go back now, though. I had made such a big deal of leaving, and my sisters would never let me hear the end of it if I came crawling home after just one day. That would only prove that they were right, that I really was still just a kid. And I was way too proud to admit that.

So I sucked it up and decided to keep going. But first I needed a little rest. I had ridden my bike nonstop from Cerulean to the outskirts of Viridian City, and I was exhausted. So I found a nice spot on Viridian's cool, green riverbank and sat down to eat the lunch I had packed. Then I decided it was time for a little relaxation. Fishing had always been able to cheer me up, so I took out my rod and cast a line.

Isn't it funny how you never expect the moments that end up changing your life? They come out of nowhere and knock you off your feet. Here I was, a ten year old girl who had just "run away" from home, independent and making her own decisions for the first time in her life. I thought _that_ was what was supposed to change my life. And I guess it did, in a way. I mean, if I hadn't run away, I wouldn't have been sitting on the riverbank in the first place, and what happened next never would've occurred. And then where would I be? I'd probably be that same, self-centered girl with an inferiority complex, still confused, still trying to find my place in the world. But fortunately, I _did_ run away from home, and I _did_ sit down on the riverbank that day. I had been fishing for about half an hour, and I wasn't having much luck. And then it happened- I hooked a big one. I was sure it was a Seaking or a Poliwag. Boy was I ever wrongཀ

What I had caught wasn't a Pokemon at all, but a kid- a weird, lost, dripping wet kid. With a Pikachu. That's what got my attention.( Hey, I may specialize in water Pokemon, but I love all types. Except for bugs. They're just creepy.) Anyway, this Pikachu was badly injured, and it made me really angry at this kid. I thought he must be a real jerk to let his Pokemon get in that kind of shape. I was already having a bad day, so I really let him have it. I slapped him hard across the face and told him exactly what I thought. He didn't get mad or argue, though. Actually, he seemed kind of confused. So I took pity on him and pointed him in the direction of the nearest Pokemon center. I thought that was the end of it.

And it would've been, if that weird kid hadn't high-jacked my bike. He said he'd bring it back, but I didn't believe him. Yeah, yeah, I knew he had to get his Pikachu to the Pokemon Center, but I really needed that bikeཀ It was just a hand-me-down, but it sure beat walking. There was no way I was gonna lose it that easily. I followed the thief, determined to get my bike back. But it was hard to catch up on foot. And when I finally did catch up, there was no kid and no Pikachu, just the crispy remains of what had once been my bike. To this day, I have no idea what happened, but it was absolutely destroyed. I don't think I had ever been so mad at someone in my life. I was _so_ mad that I carried that wreck over a mile to the Pokemon Center, found that kid, and dumped it right in front of him.

I was going to kill him. But, once again, something about him changed my mind. He was really worried about his Pikachu, and I forgot to be angry and worried with him. Pikachu was fine, by the way. That is, until Team Rocket showed up. Ok, so they're not the biggest threat in the world, but I didn't know that at the time. I was actually pretty scared. But I was worried about that kid and his Pikachu, and I really felt like I should do something. So I faced Team Rocket by myself. But I guess I kind of panicked, because the first Pokemon I called out was Goldeen. Goldeen can't even battle out of water, I knew that. I had no idea what I was doing, and I didn't even know _why_ I was doing it. Why was I standing up to these scary people for some weird kid who had just destroyed my bike? Why didn't I just run and hide like I wanted? There could be only one answer- I had completely lost my mind. But I decided to just go with it, and fortunately, I was able to create a distraction despite my insanity. That gave the kid and his Pikachu time to counterattack Team Rocket. It was the first time I had seen them battle together, and I was amazed. I had no idea that a Pikachu could be so powerful; Team Rocket never even had a chance.

And there was something about that kid, too. He really cared about his Pikachu, and Pikachu was more than willing to battle for him. His name was Ash. Ash told me that he had just come from Pallet Town and was starting his Pokemon journey. His dream was to become a Pokemon Master.

"_Naive little brat,"_ I thought, _"he thinks this is gonna be easy."_

As a gym leader, I had seen more than my share of Pokemon Master wannabes. They were all the same- cocky, inexperienced, no sense of reality. This kid was no different. At least, that's what I _thought_. But I _felt_ differently. It was only for a moment, but I had glimpsed a very bright light in him. And when he left Viridian, I followed him. I made up some lame excuse about needing my bike replaced, mostly to fool myself, I think. But the truth was, I was curious. I wanted to see where that light would take him. And I think Ash also reminded me a little of myself.

Maybe that's why he annoyed me so much at first. I wanted to believe that I was the experienced one, but I saw so many similarities between myself and this "newbie." Ash's unrealistic optimism was especially irritating. What made him think he was so special, anyway? _I_ was the one whose family owned a gym. He was still just an amateur. And I made sure Ash knew about it, too. We fought a lot in the beginning, with me showing off how knowledgeable I was by correcting him at every turn, and him defending himself. But no matter how much we argued, Ash never once told me to leave. And I stuck with him, even when things got rough.

Somehow, we became friends. But I would never admit it, especially not to myself. I think I was a little jealous of the light I saw in Ash. The more I knew him, the more I saw that his heart was full of love and strength. I had never met anyone who treated Pokemon as anything more than battle partners, but Ash was different. To him, they were friends and equals. He even liked those disgusting bugsཀ Ash always battled his best for his Pokemon, and they fought just as fiercely for him. And if he ever lost a battle, he tried again until he won. Ash kept going no matter how discouraging things got. And he wasn't even thinking about itཀ He was totally unaware of the light he radiated. It wasn't fair, I wanted to be like thatཀ And I was trying so hardཀ But somehow, I always fell short. Unlike Ash, who thought he could do practically anything, I had little confidence in myself. I didn't understand how he was able to just... believe. He even had _me_ believing in him.

I didn't want to. I wanted to convince myself that Ash was nothing special, just an ordinary kid with ordinary talent. I mean, I always cheered for him, and I really did want him to win. But when he lost... Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was happy about it. I felt sorry for him. But I also felt a strange sense of satisfaction. I knew it wasn't right, but I couldn't help it. I was torn between my friendship with Ash and my own pride. But then something happened that changed all that.

It was several months after I had started traveling with Ash. The Pewter City gym leader, Brock, had joined us on our journey, and everything was going well. Until we reached Saffron City, that is. Ash learned that the gym leader there, Sabrina, was almost impossible to beat. She was as cold as ice and twice as tough. Ash would have to use type advantage if he wanted to beat her. But there was one problem- Sabrina used Psychic Pokemon, and none of Ash's Pokemon were strong against them. Then we heard that the next town over, Lavender Town, was full of Ghost Pokemon- perfect for countering Sabrina's attacks.

So we set out for Lavender Town with high hopes. But when we got there, we encountered another problem- Lavender really _was_ full of Ghost Pokemon. We decided to search Lavender Tower, and freaky things started happening the moment we walked inside. Creepy footsteps, levitating chairs, maniacal laughter that came out of nowhere... Brock and I freaked out. We ran put out and refused to go back in. But Ash, of course, had no common sense whatsoever. He was going to do whatever it took to reach his dream, no matter how crazy and dangerous it was. I was worried about him, but there was no way I was going back inside that creepy place. I would just cheer him on from a distance.

So Ash went on while Brock and I waited. And waited. And waited. And the longer we waited, the more I worried. I tried to ignore it; I tried to remind myself how annoyed I was with Ash for taking so long. But then the weirdest thing happened- I suddenly found myself suspended in midair, and just as suddenly, I was back on the ground (lucky Brock was there to catch me). But as freaky as that was, it didn't scare me. It was more like... something just felt wrong. I thought I'd heard Ash's voice for a moment, and I got this overwhelming feeling that something awful had happened to him. I didn't know how to explain it, I just _knew_. I told Brock, and we both rushed back inside the tower. I forgot to be afraid of ghosts. But what I found inside was far more terrifying.

There were Ash and Pikachu, lying lifeless on the floor, crushed by a fallen chandelier. My heart stopped. I couldn't breathe. A cold shock ran down my spine. I needed to get to Ash, but my legs were so shaky I could barely run. It was like everything was happening in slow motion. Brock and I managed to lift the chandelier away, but I don't remember how. What I do remember is how still Ash was, and how cold his skin felt. I begged him to open his eyes, promised to never tease him again if he would just _wake up_, but he wouldn't respond. I was so afraid that his light had been extinguished. And so angry at myself. If I had just stayed with Ash, this wouldn't have happened, I could've done something to stop it. And that wasn't all. Every memory of every time I'd ever put him down came rushing into my mind. I had treated him so badly. And for what? For pride? Jealousy? It all seemed so stupid now. Ash had become so important to me over the few months I'd known him.

By the time I realized it was happening, it was already too late. I'd fought it and hidden from it, but I couldn't stop it. I finally had to admit what I'd been denying for so long- I loved him. But it was too late. I'd let my stupid pride get in the way of what was really important, and now Ash was... I wanted to cry out of grief and regret, but it wouldn't help. Tears couldn't bring him back. I felt like my heart was being crushed. But then, just when I was about to completely lose it, Ash woke up. He opened his eyes and smiled at me. "Hey, Misty," he said, as if he hadn't just almost died. I'd never been more happy to hear my name. A warm sense of relief washed over me. I couldn't keep my emotions inside anymore- I cried. Ash didn't make fun of me for it, though. Lucky for him- I would've killed him if he had.

But things changed after that day. For me, at least. I was never able to deny my feelings for Ash again. I didn't _want_ to. I'd almost lost the most precious thing in the world to me, and it was one of the scariest things I'd ever been through. I had nightmares about that day for weeks. I never wanted to experience that again. I'd been given a second chance, and I was not going to waste it. I decided to be the best friend I could be to Ash. I still picked on him a little, but now I made sure he knew that I was rooting for him. And I was always, always with him, no matter how scary things got.

But admitting my feelings for Ash meant admitting a lot of other stuff, too. I had to admit the reason I'd avoided my feelings in the first place- my own inferiority complex. I had to admit that maybe I _wasn't_ as great as I wanted to believe I was. I had to admit that I had somewhat of a mean streak, and that I'd treated Ash wrong. But facing my shortcomings wasn't as painful as I'd thought it would be. After fighting my feelings for so long, I was surprised at what a relief it was to just _let go_. I'd always felt like such a fake before. And I'd never realized how exhausting trying to fool myself could be. It was strange, but I actually felt _better_ about myself when I started being honest. Maybe I had never been that good at fooling myself in the first place. Or maybe I just learned to accept myself in spite of faults.

Whatever the reason, I found it easier to be nice to Ash afterward. Things that had irritated me about him before no longer bothered me. I guess I had given up competing with him. I didn't feel like I had to outshine him anymore. In fact, I discovered that more than anything else, I wanted to reflect his light. It was strange. I had started this journey because I'd wanted to find my _own_ inner light. And now, here I was, wishing that I could reflect someone else's light? I'd always thought that the only people who mattered were the ones who could shine on their own. The contradiction was a little confusing. But it didn't really matter that much. I really did love Ash, more than I had realized. His joy was my joy. I was happy supporting him. I wanted to cheer for him more loudly than anyone else, to be the one person he could always turn to. I wanted to be my best for him. I wanted... to be the moon to his sun. That was all I needed to be happy.

Or so I thought. The more time went by, the more I realized how hard unrequited love could be. I gave everything I had for Ash. I cheered for him, looked out for him- I would've followed Ash to the ends of the Earth. I was there for every one of his battles in his first Pokemon League, and when he finally lost. But Ash never seemed to notice my devotion. All he could think about was training even harder for the next League. I'd always thought that I didn't need anything in return. I'd thought that just being with Ash would be enough. But it really hurt to think that he didn't return my feelings. It wasn't like I wasn't important to Ash. I knew I was... as a friend.

And Ash loved all his friends equally- that was the problem. I wanted to be special to him. Funny how two of the things I loved most about him- his determination and kind nature- were the very things that stood in my way. Sometimes I felt annoyed at Ash for not giving me the attention I gave him. I knew that was ridiculous. He didn't even _realize_ how special he was to me. I'm sure if he'd known how I felt, he would've treated me differently. But I could never tell him. I wanted to, I wanted to know if he felt the same way. It was so unlikely that he did, though. I mean, this was _Ash_. Romance was a foreign language to him. "I love you," wasn't in his vocabulary. I might as well have told him that I was a space alien. Besides, what would it do to our friendship? Things would become so awkward between us. Being together might be unbearable. No, my friendship with Ash was way too precious to risk losing.

Of course, these were just excuses. The truth was that I was just too afraid of rejection. I didn't think there was any way Ash could think of me as anything more than a friend, but as long as I kept quiet, there was always that small chance. I couldn't bear losing that hope. Just thinking about it hurt. So I hid my feelings as best I could. I don't think I was all that good at it, because I was always getting teased. But Ash was way too dense to ever catch on, that was what mattered. And it wasn't _so_ bad, this silent love. Being a romantic, I thought my selfless devotion was kind of noble. After all, wasn't unrequited love the truest kind; always giving, never asking anything in return? I thought so. I never questioned my dedication to Ash, never thought of leaving him.

Well, almost never. There was _one_ time I wavered. It was when Ash was going after the Orange League Championship. Brock wasn't with us, but we had made a new friend in Tracey Sketchit. We were lucky to have him, too. Tracey was a native of the Orange Islands and knew much more about the Orange League than we did. The gyms were spread out among the islands of the Orange Archipelago, and we used a Lapras Ash had befriended for transport. I loved the tropical climate and being near the sea (and the variety of water Pokemon that lived there). The weather was perfect that day. It was sunny and the water was calm, and there was a nice breeze to keep us cool. Ash was way too excited about going after his third badge to notice the weather, though. I was looking forward to seeing him battle, but I was mostly just along for the ride.

Or so I thought. As we neared the island, we spotted a little girl and her Seal caught up in the rough waves. Now, Ash was usually the one who did the rescuing, but water was _my_ territory. I immediately called out Staryu and dove in after the girl. I quickly caught her and pulled her to safety. Ash helped her onto Lapras' and together we sailed to shore. We were greeted by the girl's brother, who had seen the whole thing. He was grateful. _Very_ grateful. His name was Rudy, and he was Trovita Island's gym leader. Only... he didn't seem very interested in battling with Ash. He was much more interested in _me_.

As soon as we landed, Rudy took my hand and pulled me into a dance. He gave me flowers and told me I was beautiful. I was a little embarrassed, but also kind of happy. Ok, I was ecstatic. Hey, it's really exciting to get romanced by a cute guy! Ash was mad that Rudy was ignoring his request, for a battle, but I was loving all the attention. Over the course of the day, I let Rudy shower me with flowers and gifts. He told me that my eyes were like diamonds (but more beautiful), and he couldn't take his own off me. Ash wasn't as pleased with the situation as I was, though. He was jealous. But not over me, oh no. He just couldn't stand that he wasn't the center of attention. Ok, so Ash _was_ trying to win a badge, and maybe Rudy should've been watching his progress. But you can't really blame the poor guy. And anyway, Ash was _always_ trying to win a badge. I was happy to be the center of attention for once.

Rudy invited me to dinner that night, and of course, I accepted. The food was delicious (can you believe this guy could cook, too?), but Rudy and I weren't alone. His little sister, Mari, ate with us. I didn't mind, though. It may not have been romantic, but Mari was a sweet little girl, and I was glad to talk to her. She seemed a little lonely. She told me that she loved her brother and the other guys at the gym, but she was the only girl there. I said that I could understand how that could be rough.

Then Mari got really excited and told me she had an idea: _I_ could stay with her and Rudy and be her big sister. I didn't know what to say. I was happy that Mari liked me so much, but I knew I couldn't stay. I was travelling with Ash, and besides, Mari was just a little girl. It wasn't really her place to ask. Still... I didn't want to say no. I didn't want to disappoint Mari, of course. And I have to admit... I kind of _wanted_ to stay. I mean, I still loved Ash, but being treated like a princess wasn't bad. I was starting to get used to it. But there was really no point in deciding. It was Rudy's gym, and he hadn't invited me. I couldn't stay, and that was that.

At least, that's what I thought. After dinner, Rudy asked me to come see his workout studio. He let his Pokemon dance there as part of their training. As a fellow gym leader, I was impressed with the idea. Rudy and I danced, too, and were having a great time, when all of a sudden, he dropped a bomb shell on me. That's right- he asked me to stay with him. I was shocked. I didn't know what to say. All I could think of was "Well... I don't know." I guess Rudy noticed my hesitation, because he told me to think about it and give him my answer the next day.

You know the phrase "I'll sleep on it?" Well, I have no idea where it came from, because I sure didn't get any sleep that night. I kept turning thoughts over and over in my mind. The one I loved was Ash, that hadn't changed. But Rudy made me feel special in a way Ash never had. It was wonderful. I didn't love him, but I liked him a lot. He was cute, charming, and sensitive, not to mention a great cook. And who knew, maybe I would fall for him eventually. Ash meant the world to me, but I was just a friend to him. A close friend, but a friend nonetheless. And that was probably all I'd ever be. I knew that I should be happy just being with him, but... was that really enough for me? If I left with Ash, I might be passing up a once-in-a-lifetime romance. But could I really say goodbye to him? I felt forced to choose between the one I loved and the one who loved me. Morning came, and I still hadn't decided.

I hardly spoke during breakfast. Of course, Ash was much too excited about his upcoming gym battle to notice. I guess it was unfair of me to expect him to. After all, he didn't know what Rudy had asked me, and besides, he'd always been dense. Still, I'd really been hoping that he'd ask me what was wrong. I wanted to tell him. I wanted him to ask me to stay. But I was too afraid he'd just let me go. That should've made me realize it, but I didn't. By the time of the gym battle, I wasn't even sure who I should cheer for, much less who I wanted to stay with. I was so afraid that I'd make the wrong choice and end up regretting it. But I realized I had to make up my mind fast. Ash was leaving as soon as he had his badge, and then it'd be too late. Finally, I decided to just leave it to fate. I'd stay with whoever won the battle.

That afternoon, Ash and Rudy took their places on the battlefield. It was a small island jutting out of the sea, surrounded by spiky rocks. There was no room for spectators, so Mari, Tracey, and I had to watch from a hot-air balloon. It was a three round battle, and Ash and Rudy had to face each other with the same types of Pokemon. The first round was Pikachu versus Electabuzz. Pikachu fought hard, but Electabuzz hit Pikachu with a powerful Thunder Punch, winning the battle. Mari cheered loudly for Rudy. I, however, remained silent. Mari seemed disappointed that I was so unenthusiastic, but I was too caught up in my own thoughts to get excited..

Besides, if I was really going to leave this to fate, I should try to be indifferent. Ash called out Bulbasaur next, while Rudy chose Exeggutor. Rudy had music played, and his Exeggutor danced in and out of Bulbasaur's attacks. Exeggutor hit Bulbasaur with an Egg Bomb, and it looked like the match was over. But somehow, Bulbasaur managed a Sleep Powder at the last minute, putting Exeggutor to sleep and taking the round. I exhaled, suddenly realizing that I'd been holding my breath. Why did I feel so relieved? I was impartial, wasn't I?

For the final round, Ash chose Squirtle, and Rudy chose Starmie. This was it- my future was about to be decided. I was nervous, probably more nervous than Ash. Rudy struck a pose, and dedicated the battle to me, "the girl who had stolen his heart." But this time, I didn't like the attention so much. It actually made me feel a little guilty. I didn't know why I felt that way. But this wasn't the time to think about that, the battle was starting. Both Squirtle and Starmie started out with Water Gun, but they cancelled each other out. Rudy asked for the music again, and ordered Starmie to spin into a Thunderbolt. I was a little confused; I'd never heard of a water type using an electric attack before. But as Starmie spun faster and faster, I could see the electricity building around it. Squirtle used Withdraw, but it didn't do much to protect it from the attack. My heart sank. At this rate, Ash was going to lose, and I'd have to-wait... _have_ _to?_ I suddenly remembered that this was still _my_ decision. No one was going to _make_ me stay with Rudy if Ash lost. And with that, I finally knew what my choice was. I'd wanted to stay with Ash all along.

Rudy's affections were flattering, but they didn't mean anything to me. It wasn't _his_ attention I wanted. Everything was so clear now, and I wondered why it had taken me so long to figure it. The relief filled me with a new energy, and I called out to Ash at the top of my voice.

"What are you doing, Ash," I cried, "only you can bring out Squirtle's true power!"

Ash stared up at me with this dumb look on his face, like he couldn't believe I was cheering for him. Then he decided he should defend himself.

"I know that!" he said.

"Do something, then!"

Ash _finally _turned his attention back to the battle and ordered Squirtle to use Water Gun. The move broke Squirtle out of the Thunder Bolt, but knocked it backward off the platform. This time, it looked like Ash had lost for sure. But at the very last moment, Squirtle used Hydro Pump, a move it had never known before now, to propel itself back into the battle. And it came back with a vengeance. Squirtle used its new attack to turn the tables on Starmie and take the win. I cheered more loudly than anyone else.

As the sun set, we stood on the beach as Rudy presented the Sea Ruby badge to Ash. I knew I had to tell Rudy that I couldn't stay with him, but I was dreading it. Even though I didn't love him, he was a nice guy. I really didn't want to hurt his feelings. But he spared me the trouble. Just as I opened my mouth, he handed me a big bouquet of flowers and told me that he already knew what my decision was. I just thanked him; there was nothing more for me to say. But Rudy wasn't done. He turned to Ash and told him that he was "A very lucky guy." I was so afraid that Ash would guess what Rudy meant, but he didn't of course. Rudy just told him that he would understand someday and left it at that.

I felt a deep sense of contentment as Ash, Tracey, and I sailed away from Valencia. I was still on the high that Rudy's admiration had given me, and I felt so lucky to be with the one I loved. But everything that had happened with Rudy forced me to notice something that I'd been trying to ignore- I didn't feel like I was important to Ash. Like I said earlier, I knew he cared about me, but I was just one of many. He was the most important person in the world to me, and I wanted to be just as special in his eyes. I had always told myself that it was ok, that his friendship was enough to make me happy. But it wasn't. I didn't want to admit it, but I felt like something was missing. I was completely devoted to Ash, and he didn't even _notice_. I think I resented him a little for it. I knew I had no right to feel that way, though. Ash hadn't asked for my devotion; I'd chosen to follow him all on my own. I'd put my own dreams on hold, and now I felt like the sidekick in what was supposed to be _my_ journey. And I had no one to blame but myself.

Once again, I was confused. I still wanted to be with Ash more than anything else, but living in his shadow wasn't making me happy. I wouldn't say I was unhappy, but I just felt... empty, somehow. I didn't understand. I'd thought that my devotion would make me important to him, and that would've been enough for me. But Ash didn't seem to need me at all. Was it selfish of me to want to feel special again? I knew love wasn't supposed to ask for anything in return, but... wasn't it also supposed to bring fulfillment? Something just felt wrong. It bothered me all through our time in the Orange Islands. Ash finally won the Championship, but he wasn't stopping there, of course. Our next destination was Johto.

It was pretty much the same as the Indigo League- Ash winning badges, and me cheering him on from the sidelines. But then we ended up in the Whirl Islands, where lots of water Pokemon lived. There was even a tournament- the Whirl Cup. I knew immediately that I just _had_ to compete. This tournament was practically made for me, the perfect chance to test my skills. Ash was entering, too, of course, but I didn't let that bother me. Our friendship was strong enough to handle a little friendly competition.

The Whirl Cup wasn't like a regular Pokemon League tournament. There were no badges to win, we only had to register. But we still had to travel to the tournament site. It was a short journey, but I learned a lot from it. There were so many new water Pokemon to see. I wanted to catch them all. Maybe that was aiming a little high, but I _did_ catch a Corsola. I worked hard at training all my Pokemon. I participated in a lot of battles with them, and it helped me learn more about their abilities. I really improved as a water Pokemon trainer during that time. Best of all, I didn't feel like Ash's side-kick anymore. It felt so _good_ to be a part of the action, instead of just watching him.

Actually, I kind of enjoyed the rivalry with him. There was a new understanding between us, the excitement of the tournament like a secret we shared. I understood why Ash loved competing so much, why he always got so pumped up before a big battle. Maybe it was just me, but I felt like he looked at me a little differently, too. There was a kind of respect between us then that I hadn't felt before. I know Ash was disappointed when I beat him in our match-up, but I think he was kinda proud of me, too.

_I_ was proud of me. It was wonderful to finally show the world what I was made of and get recognized for my talent. _This_ was what I had run away from home to find. I didn't win the tournament, but I'd gotten a taste of the thrill of competition. It stayed with me long after the tournament was over. I longed to test myself and become a better trainer. I wanted to see how far my skills could take me. I hadn't felt that way for so long, not since I'd joined up with Ash. It was exciting to feel that way again, but also very frustrating. I had already made my decision, and that was to stick with Ash no matter what. I had given up on shining my own light so I could reflect his.

At least, I thought I had. I told myself that I couldn't have it both ways, that I should just forget training on my own because it wasn't going to happen. But the feeling wouldn't go away. All through Johto, I missed the excitement and fulfillment I'd felt at the Whirl Cup. I cheered Ash on as loudly as ever, but I couldn't help feeling a little jealous of him. Every time he had a gym battle, I saw everything I was missing out on. I was back to being the faithful side-kick, and I missed the rivalry we'd shared before.

I never felt that more keenly than when Ash competed in the Johto League Championship. One of his competitors was this girl named Macey, and she was such a pest! She kept hanging around Ash, telling him she wanted to talk about training. It was obvious she had a lot more on her mind, but Ash didn't notice. For once I was glad he was so dense. Not only was she all over Ash, this Macey dissed water Pokemon, saying they were weak and useless. Needless to say, I did not like her one bit.

But I was also jealous of her. Ash didn't seem to like Macey the way she liked him, but he _was_ excited about competing against her. I hated to see him notice her like that, even if it was just for her battling skills. And when I saw the two of them together, I felt those old feelings of inferiority creeping up on me again. I wanted Ash to notice _me_ like that. But how could he, when I had relegated myself to the cheering section? Something struck me then that I'd never thought of before- Ash would probably rather be with someone he admired. Not now, not Macey, but someday he was bound to find someone he liked, and I had a bad feeling it wasn't going to be me.

Fortunately, Ash beat Macey in their battle. But I'd already started to notice the flaw in my thinking. I'd never thought that reflecting someone else's light was a very glamorous job, but at least it was noble. I thought it was better to support the person I loved than to seek my own glory. After all, didn't people like Ash _need_ people like me? Didn't they _need_ a faithful friend to stand behind them? But as good as the idea sounded in my head, I was beginning to see that it didn't work in reality. I didn't really feel noble for my unflagging devotion. Actually, I felt kind of pathetic. I didn't even feel as close to Ash as I wanted to. I felt like I was on the outside looking in, just standing on the side-lines of his life.

I was confused. This wasn't how it was supposed to be! I'd sacrificed my own dreams for Ash; wasn't that supposed to make me closer to him than anyone else? That's when I realized something that I'd been trying to keep from myself- my devotion to Ash wasn't completely selfless after all. I hadn't expected him to love me, but I _had_ expected to become special to him. I was embarrassed by my selfishness. But I couldn't help it. No one _wants_ to have a one-sided love. You always expect something in return.

But I found out that it's not that easy. There aren't any guarantees in love, and life isn't always fair. That was really hard for me to accept. I had chosen what I wanted, made the right sacrifices, but I had nothing to show for it. Well, not _nothing_. I loved just being with Ash, and I treasured all the memories we shared. We were close friends, and that made me really happy. But at that time, I was feeling dejected. I was starting to think I'd never have Ash's heart, and I still wasn't the person I'd wanted to become when I left home. Can you blame me for sulking a little?

Reflecting Ash's light wasn't making me happy, but I didn't think trying to shine on my own would make me happy, either. Even if Ash never loved me back, I still loved _him_. Even if it hurt, I still wanted to be with him. But I didn't want to spend the rest of my life chasing an unrequited love. To stay or to go, I didn't know what I wanted. I think I _did_ know what was best for me, though. Even though I didn't want to leave Ash, it felt like there was something missing from our friendship. And the calling of my own dreams were louder than ever. As much as I tried to ignore it, something inside told me that things weren't right the way they were.

I didn't have to decide anything right away, though. There was plenty of time to figure it out. That was just an excuse, of course. Whatever I decided, it was going to be painful, and I didn't want to face it. It was much easier to just keep drifting. So I kept putting it off, kept telling myself that I needed more time.

In the end, the decision was made for me. It was a little after Ash had competed in the Johto League, and we were heading back to his home. We stopped over in Cerulean City on the way, and I was notified at the Pokecenter there that I was supposed to call my sisters. I talked to them pretty often, so I didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary. Wrong! Apparently, my sisters had gone on a luxury cruise without telling me, and now they wanted me to take over the gym. At first, I was too shocked to feel anything. I was mad at my sisters for being so irresponsible, but it seemed kind of unreal.

Before it could really sink in, Nurse Joy brought out a bike that looked exactly like the one Ash had destroyed so long ago. Actually, it _was_ my bike; turns out the previous Nurse Joy had fixed it up a long time ago. It was really weird seeing it again. I almost didn't recognize it. I mean, it _looked_ just like my bike, but I couldn't believe that it was really fixed. I'd thought I'd never see it again, but there it was, right in front of me. I got a sinking feeling in my stomach as I started to realize that this really was the end of my journey with Ash. Much as I wanted to stay, I knew I couldn't leave the gym to be closed down in my sisters' absence. I had to go back home; there was no way out of it.

I started thinking about the day I met Ash, when he stole the bike that was somehow just in front of us. I had been so angry then, but it had become one of my happiest memories. Meeting Ash and becoming friends with him was one of the best things that had ever happened to me. I'd thought we'd always be together. And now everything was ending? The sadness flooded me all at once, and it took everything I had not to cry. And then Ash said something that absolutely floored me. I can still remember exactly what he said:

"Wow! Nurse Joy did a great job fixing it! That's great you finally got your bike back, now you'll get home fast!"

There are no words for how utterly dejected I felt at that moment. And angry. I mean, I knew Ash was dense, but I thought he at _least_ understood that we were friends. I managed to hide behind some sarcastic comment, but then Ash accused me of being grouchy. And that was _it_. I snapped. I screamed at him to leave me alone, then tore out of the Pokecenter as fast as I could. Right then, I didn't care that I was making a scene. I was just relieved to be out of that room and away from everyone I knew. Especially Ash.

Grouchy, my foot! As if it were weird for me to show the least bit of unhappiness at having to separate from my best friends! How could Ash possibly think I'd be happy to have to leave him? He'd sounded like he couldn't wait to get rid of me. I wandered around aimlessly for a while, just trying to sort out my thoughts.

I'd been walking for several minutes when I ran into these three weirdos in martial arts uniforms. They immediately started teasing me for crying, which really made me mad. Not that I couldn't handle myself, but what kind of guys make fun of a girl when she's alone and crying? Jerks. I tried to get rid of them by giving them the cold shoulder, but they wouldn't take a hint. They introduced themselves as the three "Invincible Brothers", then gave me a little demonstration of their skills. Did I mention that they were weirdos? I got the feeling that they weren't leaving anytime soon, so I did the only thing I could think of to get rid of them- I challenged them to a battle.

_That_was a mistake. But I didn't know it at the time. Everything started out normally. I went with them to an empty soccer field for a one-on-one match. I called out my Politoad, and one of the brothers called out his Hitmonchan. Politoad knocked it down with just one water gun, and it looked like I had it all wrapped up. I would have, too, if these three losers had played fair. But of course, they didn't. The other two called out their Pokemon, Hitmonlee and Hitmontop, and together with Hitmonchan, they surrounded my Politoad. I'd been ambushed! I was too shocked to move.

But just when it looked like they had me cornered, I heard familiar voices calling me. Ash and Brock were beside me in the next instant, ready to help me. Was I ever glad to see them! Ash sent in Pikachu and Brock called out Forretress, evening the odds. I pretended that I didn't need their help, though. I was embarrassed that I'd gotten into trouble and I hated to have to be bailed out, especially by someone I'd just yelled at. But Ash didn't get defensive like I thought he would. For once, he seemed to understand. He and Brock let me have my moment, and I made quick work of the three stooges. It turned out that Team Rocket was behind the whole thing. Apparently, they had promised to pay the brothers for luring me into their trap (they reneged on them, of course). But Team Rocket was easily defeated, as always, and I was left alone with Ash and Brock. I was really grateful to both of them for rescuing me. But more than that, I was so happy they had come looking for me.

Even if Ash didn't understand why I was upset, he was worried about me. He told me that I had been "awesome" in battle. I took that as his way of trying to cheer me up. It worked, but not because of what he said. Even if he couldn't say it directly, it meant so much to me that he was trying. I thanked him from the bottom of my heart for what he said, and for being such a good friend to me. And Ash responded by pointing out my bike that was waiting for me. Earlier, an insensitive comment like that would've hurt, but I understood a little better now. So I forgave him, of course. After all, it wasn't his fault he was just a dumb guy.

Later, as we walked toward the fork in the road, I thought about how much I was going to miss my friends. I worried about how they'd manage without me there. I told Ash to take care of himself and make sure he washed his face every day, and Brock to take it easy with the ladies. But even as I said those things, I realized that I would even miss those things that used to annoy me so much. Such mundane things, but we shared them as friends, and that made them important. And I realized that these small, intimate moments belonged to me now, no matter where I was.

Finally, we reached the place where we had to part. I thought about telling Ash how I felt then. It would be my last chance for a long while, and I didn't have to worry about it making things awkward between us anymore. I almost did it. But somehow, it didn't feel quite right. I didn't want things to be weird between us when we separated. And it was too much like saying good-bye, like admitting that I'd never see Ash again. I couldn't do that. I asked him if I'd ever see him again, and he swore that I would. Those words gave me the strength I needed to watch him walk away.

It still hurt, though. A lot. I wanted so much to run after him and tell him to just forget everything that had happened that day, that I was coming with him after all. It was hard to believe that all our time together was actually ending. But now I knew how he really felt- we were the closest of friends, and nothing could change that. I watched his back until he disappeared, then headed down my own path toward home, holding onto his promise the whole way.

My first night on my own wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. I was a little lonely and I cried a bit, but it wasn't the heartbreak I'd been expecting. After all, I knew Ash wouldn't forget me. And it wasn't like I was never going to see Ash again. I knew he wouldn't have sworn I would if he hadn't meant it. Plus, we could still talk over the phone and through the mail. I started to feel like maybe things weren't going to be so bad.

Sometimes something would remind me of Ash- a trainer with a Pikachu, something someone said, or the way someone smiled. It made me a little lonely, but I didn't mind so much. I missed Ash, but it made me happy to think of him. I kept looking forward to the day I'd see him again.

And then I found out about May. It was the first letter I'd gotten from Ash since we'd separated, and I was ecstatic. I tore it open as fast as I could and started reading. He wrote about the gym battles he'd had, and encounters with Team Rocket (and the new Team Magma), and all the new people he'd met in Hoenn. He wasn't alone, either. Brock had returned as soon as he'd taken care of things at home. That made me feel a little left out, but I was also glad that Ash wasn't by himself. And then he mentioned May. It was a major shock for me. May was his new traveling companion, a girl a little younger than us. Ash wrote about how cheerful and perseverant May was, and I could tell he really liked her. It made me so jealous. Or maybe "jealous" isn't the word for it, because I didn't hate May. I just didn't want her anywhere near Ash is all. It wasn't that I thought he had romantic feelings for her. Ash was still completely oblivious to romance as far as I knew.

But I felt like May had taken my place. She was always with Ash now, sharing his adventure, cheering him on. That was where _I_ was supposed to be. I felt like I'd been replaced. Before, I'd felt certain that Ash and Brock would never forget me, but now I wasn't so sure. They were moving on, making new friends. I knew they'd never forget me on purpose, but people grow apart with time. It's only natural, right? I worried that spending time with May, they'd become closer to her than they were to me. But it was mostly Ash I worried about. He was bound to notice girls eventually. If May was the one who was always there, then... Meanwhile, I was stuck at the gym by myself. Challengers came and went, but I didn't have any solid friendships to depend on. While Ash and Brock kept moving forward, I was stuck in the past. I felt like I was being left behind.

That was the hardest part. I never let on that I was upset in my letters, but I worried that I was losing my best friends. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Even when I was having fun, it was still at the back of my mind. I felt like I'd lost the best part of my life, and for what? So my sisters could go on a cruise? Sometimes I felt so angry at them I didn't know what to do with myself. How dare they interrupt my life so they could go have a little fun? And the worst part is, they didn't even care! They were off having the time of their lives, with no idea how much they'd hurt me. I felt like a bug that'd been squashed on a sidewalk. I couldn't believe I was sympathizing with a bug. That was a new low for me.

It wasn't all bad, though. I had plenty of challengers to keep me busy and I was learning new things. Tracey, who was living with Professor Oak, stopped by from time to time, so it wasn't like I was completely alone. And I _did_ see Ash again. The first time we reunited was only a couple of months after I'd left, but it felt like a lot longer. I was worried that things would be different, awkward. I wondered if I would feel left out with Brock and Ash and their new friends. I tried to be optimistic, but I couldn't help thinking about it. When the day finally came, I found out that I'd been worried about nothing. Ash and Brock were really glad to see me, and we picked up right where we left off. It was like I'd never left. I met May and Max, too, and they were really nice. I had a lot in common with May, especially, and I felt a little silly for having been jealous of her.

That trip wasn't all fun for me, though. I ended up having to release my Togepi, which was really hard. Ash and the others were there for me, of course, but I couldn't stay with them. Afterward, the gym was lonelier than ever.

Luckily, my sisters did come back eventually. It was good to have them home; things had been too quiet with just me there. I had cooled down by that time (since I realized they hadn't really ruined my life), but I was still pretty mad. I gave them the cold shoulder for about a week, until I realized it wasn't having any effect on them. They laughed and teased me just like always, so it was pointless. I guess it was more about pride than anger, anyway, and I just couldn't keep it up. But I felt frustrated. It bugged me that they didn't take my feelings seriously, and I felt alone. I was feeling better than when Ash first left, but I still got pretty down sometimes. And I had to deal with it all by myself.

I think Daisy noticed, though, eventually. I wasn't actively giving my sisters the silent treatment anymore, but I guess I did get kind of quiet whenever I felt depressed. After a while, I noticed that Daisy seemed to be talking to me more. I guess she'd grown up a little while I was gone. I'd never admit that anything was wrong, of course, but it cheered me up a little just to talk to someone, even about stupid stuff. We spent more time together, and Daisy and I sort of became friends. She had become more serious about the gym, too, and got me to help her with her training. It was fun working together, and it made me really happy that Daisy wanted my help with her Pokemon. It meant that she finally respected my abilities as a trainer. She looked up to me a little.

That meant a lot to me. I felt like I was finally getting closer to the goal I'd set for myself so long ago. I wasn't there yet, but I'd definitely become stronger. And more confident. I was happier with myself than I'd been in a long time. Working toward my goals was so fulfilling, and I finally understood how important it was to live for myself. It made me realize how much I'd been limiting myself by dedicating myself only to Ash. I never regretted my time with him, but I had so many futures open to me now. My dreams felt like a real possibility now, and I was getting closer to them all the time. I was proud of myself.

I wasn't missing Ash as much anymore. I still cared about him and thought about him, still hoped we would work out somehow, but it wasn't the heartache it had been. It was strange how I missed those lonely feelings at first; it just felt like something was missing. But that subsided with time, and things were looking up to me.

I still saw Ash every now and then, whenever he visited home for a while. Our relationship had changed, but we hadn't grown apart like I'd worried we would. Actually, we seemed closer than before. That confused me at first. Sure, I was happy about it, but it didn't make sense- how could being apart make two people better friends? I couldn't even tell what was different. We talked about the same things, teased each other like always. But there seemed to be a.... spark between us that hadn't been there before. I just couldn't put my finger on it. Strangely, it was actually something Ash said that helped me understand it. He had stopped by for a couple of days on his way to Pallet Town, and we were catching up with each other. I was telling Ash about my latest gym battles, and he congratulated me on my victories. And then he smiled and said "You know, you seem different, Misty."

That caught me completely off guard. I could tell it was supposed to be a compliment, but I wanted to know exactly what he meant.

"Different?" I said. "Different how?"

Ash shrugged.

"I don't know, you just seem... stronger somehow."

That really surprised me. I didn't think I'd changed that much. Sure, I was stronger and more confident than the last time he'd seen me, but it wasn't that big a deal. Was it? I didn't think it was enough for anyone to even notice. Especially not Ash. I think I've mentioned that he's not the most perceptive person in the world. But he got me wondering if maybe the change in me had changed our friendship, too. I knew I was more confident with myself now, but had that made me more confident around Ash, too? I instantly realized it was true.

I kept thinking on it later, and I had to laugh at myself. All this time, I'd thought that I had to choose between shining my own light and reflecting someone else's. I'd thought following Ash was the only way to be with him. And now, it turned out I'd had it all wrong? That I'd only been complicating things for myself? After all the worrying I'd done, I could hardly believe how simple it was. It was really a weight off my mind. So with nothing left to hold me back, I gave training my all.

The years that followed were some of the best of my life (so far). I kept improving my skills as a gym leader, and I gained a reputation among trainers for being especially tough. Ash continued his Pokemon journey, but he still visited when he could. I cheered him on in all his League competitions, whether from near or far. And he rooted for me in my gym matches whenever he was around (silently, of course; having my own cheering section might've intimidated the newbie trainers a little _too_ much).

I did eventually work up the nerve to tell Ash how I felt about him. Somehow. That was about the scariest thing I've ever done. I thought the words would never come out. And when they did, I thought Ash would never answer. I swear, the moment between my confession and his reply was the longest moment of my life. And when he said that he didn't know how he felt about me, that he had to think about it... well, I almost fell over dead. I was a nervous wreck for the next few days, but he _eventually_ told me that he did love me, and we've been together ever since. We're married now, with a young daughter. She's the best thing to ever happen to me, to both of us, and we couldn't be happier.

Of course, it hasn't always been easy. Life is change, and not all changes are welcome. But we keep moving ahead through everything, always supporting each other. Time has gone by so quickly, but it seems like not long ago that Ash and I were just kids on a Pokemon journey. We often reminisce about those days. Once, I told Ash about how insecure I had been back then. He acted really surprised.

"What did _you_ have to be insecure about?" He asked. "I was the one who didn't know what he was doing."

"Maybe at first, but you caught on _eventually_,"I teased.

Ash laughed at himself a little. "Yeah, because I had _you_ with me. Misty, I always thought you were amazing. You were such a strong trainer, I really admired you." he paused and added "Still do."

"Really?" was all I could say.

"Yeah. You really... _inspired_ me to become stronger myself."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Ash had been so cocky back then; I would never have guessed that he thought of me that way. But he'd seen a light in me that I wasn't even aware of. I guess I was just too busy being jealous of him to see it. All that time I was watching him, he was watching me, too. It made me so happy, I think I fell in love with him all over again.

And I got a feeling like all the pieces of the puzzle were falling into place. I still couldn't see the picture, but it was coming into focus. I went over and over our conversation in my mind, thinking about light and shining and reflecting, until suddenly, finally, I could see everything clearly.

I used to believe that there are two kinds of people in the world: those who shine with a light of their own, and those who can only reflect the light of others. But the truth is, it's not one or the other; we both shine _and_ reflect light every day of our lives, all of us. As a child, I'd tried so hard to shine all on my own, but I couldn't do it. I was left frustrated and lonely. Then I'd devoted myself to Ash, but I wasn't happy living in his shadow, either. Looking back, I realize how naive I was. No one can live only shining light or only reflecting it. A person like that would be incomplete. Working toward our own goals, encouraging our loved ones toward theirs, sharing our joy... We shine so brilliantly, and reflecting that light back onto each other, the light increases until it's blinding, bright enough to illuminate the whole world. I could stare into it forever.


End file.
